What’s your excuse?

Dashboard Confessional. No matter where I have been or what I have been doing in my life, there has always been at LEAST one, if not a handful, of DC songs that I have related to on a deep, personal level.

I remember it was DC songs that reminded me that I wasn’t the first person and wouldn’t be the last person to feel betrayed, used, hopeless, etc., during my divorce. I even remember writing a MySpace blog about how I loved DC and how I felt I would never, ever have sweet, heartfelt songs written about me like DC songs. I remember wishing that I could just find someone else that could feel deeply like Chris Carrabba does, express themselves as beautifully as he can, and be truthful about it at the same time, I would never have anything to complain about. At the time I was of the opinion that the majority of people were liars and incapable of feeling the same things I felt.

When I started feeling better, different DC songs helped me bolster the hope that was growing inside me again, even though I still felt broken and battered inside. It was so good to feel like it wasn’t a death sentence to have baggage lol! There is a DC song for nearly every mood or situation. Thanks, Chris, for being such a fantastic song writer. I love that I can literally put a collection of DC songs in a certain order on a playlist and they can chronologically tell a story about my life and emotions/emotional state.

That’s talent right there, folks. Today I am sooo thankful for the music (again).

Holiday Tip: Missionaries, Vampires and Police require invitations to enter your home (unless popo have a warrant of course).

You really MUST look into this artist, Mister Rob Ryan, he is PHENOMENAL! I love ALL of it! The images I have on here are all mushy gooshy (and freaking aDORable!), but not all of the works are mushy gushy. That’s why you really MUST visit his site on your own, my darlings!
Also, click on the images to make them bigger (click them I tell you! You really ought to read them!)!

I don’t think I have nerdy danced like this (which is how I would think a stuffy british professor who drank too much and snorted coke would jitter about if he tried to dance would dance) in at least six months! Check out this band! They are fkng fanTASTIC! I haven’t seen them live, but you bet if they come to good old UT or the outlying areas worth driving to for concerts (boise? denver? vegas?) I will make it a point to check it out! OH oh oh OH! Happy sauce! I love it! Do your part and check them out! I fkng love this glam rock revolution stuff - makes me wanna dance my ass off!

Not really. It’s as real as that spoon you’re holding. What spoon? Exactly. PICTURES!

Here is a link to my flickr if you had a burning and yearning for more Jeni (and if you *do* have burning, you might want to have a doc look at it lol that doesn’t sound healthy haha).

JDub was kind enough to direct my attention to an artist that I hadn’t heard of yet. He lured me in by quoting a couple of lines from the first track:
“Life would be a lot less hassle, if I could just replace these pointless people with machines”
and
“Perfect ticking of a clockwork family, everything happens right on time”
Actually - here is the log (damn me for being lazy lol):

JDub: Its a concept album about a scientist who begins life as a wild eyed boy full of hope. As time goes on, the burdens and expectations of life crush him. The cd then follows his descent into madness.
me: WONDERFUL. I am giddy at the prospect
JDUB: After you’re done you can tell me what wonderful taste in music I have.
me: *scoff* Are you trying to change tables on me for some reason? Or is it just that it is true that I, indeed, have fantastic taste and to hear that I think that you have wonderful taste in music would be a great compliment?
*deep in thought* …what were you saying about a descent into madness a few moments ago?
JDub: Oh sorry I forget that’s usually your line. No I just love the cd. It was made by some dude on the forum I frequent.
me: Oh. I was hoping you’d catch my self mockery in the comment about a descent into madness
lol

Anyway… here is the link. CHARGE FORTH!

Thanks to Scott for bringing up the topic of donations. I will research tip jars and have one added straight away. In the meantime, have you read all of the xkcd comics? No? Ok! Get to it!

Just Alerting You

YES. Thank you, Spin. Exactly. Addendum to apology

I KNOW ALREADY!: Apology for crap quality video

That’s right, ya’ll! The photo addiction was just a gateway to harder things; I’ve graduated to video now. That’s your TJ - putting the ‘adorable’ in ’straight jacket’ since 1982!
I’m a freak :D: Team Jeni

It is the new home of Jeni testimonials (in case there was some question as to what would be placed there based on the name). Here is a small sampling (the testimonial appears in BOLD):

[22:22] Jeni: You never can be TOO shameless when you are shamelessly self promoting
[22:22] Scott: Jeni, you’re ridiculously awesome. It defies description.
[22:22] Scott: No, certainly not.
[22:23] Jeni: lol!
[22:23] Scott: Otherwise it’d hardly be shameless.
[22:23] Jeni: Exactly!

All warm n shizz.

Aww, and to think people call me 'grammar nazi'. With a face like that? Gawww

I started making a list of things that were bothering me that I wanted to change and quickly realized that it was pointless. What I needed was a list of things that I WANT so that I can identify ways to get them. I quickly began working on that, but it turned into introspection that was really personal. Instead of stopping in favor of a nap, I delved into it and it seems that my diverse ‘wants’ all seem to trickle into one main theme. It’s no surprise that it is love related - further evidence that we are truly a social species.

I have sort of cleaned up the list and made it a semi-bloggable work. It began on a sketch pad. Without further adieu, here is what I want:

To be loved unconditionally for my weaknesses, not in spite of them. I don’t want them overlooked or looked past. I want my weaknesses identified, embraced, and loved. They are a part of me and I want to be loved completely for everything that I am, not just every positive aspect of myself. Being loved for my strengths is akin to being loved for my potential. Yes, I have strengths and potential, but without my weaknesses I am just an idea. I don’t want to be loved as a good idea, I want to be loved for who I am, which obviously includes my weaknesses!

I want to be loved for every scar, stretchmark, breakdown, misjudgement, mistake, zit, cough, sniffle, prickly armpit or leg (from needing to shave), chipped nail or nail polish, b.o., sweat, tears, morning breath, rogue piece of pepper on a tooth, false assumption, wrinkle, false assumption, clutsy maneuver, late arrival, plans fallen through, burp, asinine comment, stupid argument, superficial complaint, and selfish act because they make me human, flawed, and imperfect. They make me the person that I am.

These things, and all of the other aspects of my that would be considered negative, are the reason for any strengths that I have. These are things that I work on being better about. My failures are the things that I battle myself over inside my own head where you can’t find me; you and no one else can provide any solace for me there! But you can love me for it, and support me that way.

To love my strengths is to love me superficially. To love your idea of me, what I can be or what I should be isn’t fair to you or to me because I will only disappoint you and you will never give me the support I need. Don’t love me or anyone else in SPITE of negative characteristics, love because of them. Love them because they are the summation of ourselves. Without that love, we are all lost in our own insecurities. There is no reason for us to get past current insecurities and grow as individuals unless we have the support we need to embrace them and then challenge ourselves to outgrow them.

I’m tired of feeling like people wear blinders when they see each other. Compliment compliment compliment … strengths strengths strengths. I’m not asking for constructive criticism necessarily, either. I just feel like a shadow of myself to everyone else and it doesn’t matter how I try to explain myself, they are still in their minds and I am locked in mine.

Such a paradox… isn’t it isn’t it?

“I’d like to steal this blog?
It should be passed around
like a cheap, yet wise and sophisticated whore”

RE: A Mirror

LOL.

More to come!

Mike Warrol. Fantastic.

This post has been rated R for strong language.

MY OPINION (yes, I have one in case you didn’t notice):

Records full of sloppy 2 minute songs are CLASSIC. CLAAAHH SIIIIC. Here is a sample of WHY:

“I want conflict! I want dissent!
I want the scene to represent…
Our hatred of authority,
our fight against complacency
stop singing songs about girls and love!
You killed the owl! You freed the dove!
confrontation and politics…
Replaced with harmonies and shticks
When did punk rock become so tame?
These fucking bands all sound the same
We want our fights we want our thugs!
We want our burns we want our drugs!
where is the violent apathy?!
These fucking records are rated G!

When did punk rock become so safe?!”

I love NOFX. Don’t get me wrong, melodic ‘deep’ intricate stuff has its place, too… but DAMN THE MAN! I want an invitation to go to anarchy camp!!!

“I got an invitation to go to anarchy camp
there will be twistin’, fistin’, biting, fighting all in an evening
the soundtrack will go multi platinum,
barbecue a boca while the effigies burn
you may not wanna stay to see how we take care of a turncoat
Christiania’s kinda far away so come along with me
we can dance and trip and be anarchists
we gotta get the manual and put it in the oven ’til it cooks
then we’re gonna take the ashes to the wassail
and use them to spike the punch

underwater basket-weaving (we got some arts and crafts)
meth-amphetamine symposiums (they last a couple days)
African killer spelling bees (you better get it right)
bowling in ice hockey rinks (of course checking is allowed)
anarchy camp’s never inert (you think we don’t know that it’s)
not much fun ’til someone gets hurt (our only motto)
so we’re greasing up the rusty vert ramp
time to make some reservations for next years anarchy camp”

I’m tired of these fucking ’scene’ kids who don’t know a god damn thing about society or politics but think they can wax intellectual about enlightenment! FUCK THAT! FUCK YOU! Crack a book and learn something! Quiet coyote! Mouth closed, ears open. Listen instead of running your mouth all the time. Absorb so that you have something to put back out into the world that isn’t whiny, moronic garbage. I thought ignorance was bliss? How the hell can so many ignorant people be so gut wrenchingly miserable?! You don’t KNOW enough about anything to be that SAD, you CHARLETONS! My goodness, perhaps if you knew a little bit about your surroundings you’d have something empirical to base your whining around. If you put as much effort into those items as your do into self deluded whining, your apathetic unhappiness could turn into raging dissent and stir some fight inside of you. BLEH. It all reminds me of a bunch of the saddest little amoebas EVER CREATED, just morphing around with sad fucking looks on their sad faceless amoeba faceplaces.

Furthermore, many of those 2 minute sloppy punk songs you complain about have more message packed into them than any of your self aggrandizing pathetic attempts to be an ‘artist’ via WHINING! The songs that don’t pack a wallop of a message are about having FUN, and sometimes that’s all we NEED. FUN. Learn it. Self medicate with FUN instead of self pity for a change.

xoxoxo lml xoxoxox

NOTE: I’m not ripping on emo bands or bands that don’t necessarily sing about politics, dissent, fun, etc. I am ripping on ’scene’ kids that put down PUNK as a genre because it’s full of ’sloppy 2 minute songs that all sound the same’. Fuck them. The majority of them have no frame of reference to bother wasting their breath voicing their ill conceived opinions, and so help me if I have a run in with one soon because there will be blood. *snarl*

Update: I sort of fixed the repeating string, but it still shows up on the mouse over. meh

A month has passed…
In the frozen land of Nador, you were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels.
And there was much rejoicing.
Winter changed into Spring.
Spring changed into Summer.
Summer changed back into Winter…
…and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
And then one day…

JENI CAME BACK TO HER BLOG.
xoxo
Missed you all. Thanks for the comments! I’m sorry to have neglected it for so long. Thank you for continually checking in and being the invisible support system that I am known notoriously for needing!

So, updates? I’m rad - I have the cutest little girl on the planet - Yeah. That’s about it! Here are some photos of rad/cuteness:

kthxbai! (beware Raptor Jesus!)

I freaking love XKCD!

I mean really… “A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.” What’s not to love? Don’t forget to mouse over the comics for tool tips! I know, the entire image doesn’t show up in the frame, so why don’t you just go to XKCD and check it out for yourself! The entire strip is really worth reading… as well as the blog. I don’t think there is a way to escape having the urge to fill your living area with playballs after reading xkcd in its entirety. Come on - everyone is doing it! Remember, if a comic doesn’t make sense, google it. You’ll learn something, and then maybe you’ll be one of the cool kids. Also, is it worth it if she throws up? lol <3

Hide inside your shell of insults
Positivity hits you like light hits a black hole
Eat it all, swallow it whole - envelop it
You know nothing of giving
Not of material things
Not of your thoughts
Not of your soul
Not of your self
Not of any tangible or intangible item that you’d rather keep safe in your arsenal of insults to throw back at the unprepared.

Soak up everything - become it - increasing your negative mass infinitely over time… time is nothing in your perfect storm - your gravitational field of negativity drawing people in like mice to cheese.
SNAP! SNAP on the unsuspecting prey! Friend or foe - gravity doesn’t play favorites
You singularity; gravity so strong you prevent light or positivity from escaping
giving is foreign to you
Your nature is to suck in and exhaust everything that comes into contact with you.
Drain it - it’s unsuspecting.
You’re a magnetic monopoly on positivity posed like an open chalice that’s ready for new ideas, thoughts, and feelings
Posed as if you aren’t a bigot - biased by your own societal prison of ideas and familiarities

Pick and choose what to cast off as it suits your mood
Spew like you have broken down infinite barriers
As though walls crumble before your massively elevated ‘enlightened state’
Yet you strive to prove your level of ‘enlightenment’ to every soul that is naive enough to come close to your mass…
All a ploy to trap them in your vast blackness

Gain their trust behind closed doors by putting those that love you down
as though they are nothing but charletons!
Bodies that have yet to reach their own singularity.
Bodies that have yet to reach your level of ‘enlightenment’.
It’s just fodder trapped in your gravitational pull.

Use your negativity toward those outside of your reach to draw new prey closer to your trap
Those outside of your dark reach that would do anything for you
That have already accepted the black nothingness that creeps out from your soul;
They walk on eggshells careful not to press buttons - steering clear of the your pull of gravity; ever hopeful not to get caught off balance and sucked in
Their unconditional love endures waves of unbridled, uncontrolled emotional fits that are the result of your singularity and they are rewarded by whispered put downs or yelled insults

They just nod their heads.
It’ll pass.
Just don’t be honest - not too honest
The gravity is too strong to get close enough to speak honestly
No yells, no whispers
In or out
Something or nothing
Here or there
Us or them
One extreme or the other; always pointing fingers at anyone but you
Ping pong balls bounced back and forth
Back and forth till one paddle misses and the ball sloooows down
Watch the ball as it enters gravitational time dilation
It’s moving so slowly and we all know what it coming
Then the ball crosses event horizon, and it is dark…

Don’t try to explain
Words cant travel within a black hole
No waves; nothing - you’re inside
What collapse caused the hole? there is no logical explanation
Nothing for this gravitational singularity
There is no solution - there is no sea of calm
In the end, there is nothing at all
Closed eyes, closed minds, closed doors.

The more its temperature falls, the more massive the hole becomes
The more energy the hole absorbs, the colder it gets
Decreased entropy - decreased temperature
Other entities increase entropy over time
They become hotter - entropy increasing; energy increasing; increasing disorder
Heat cannot pass from a colder to a warmer body
Always from hotter to cooler; entropy makes this black hole turn green

The status quo of this system is full of wasted energy
Energy that passed event horizon
Got sucked into the black hole
Cooled - molecular disorder abound and absorbed
Fed into an ever cooling hole of blackness…
Then expelled as a newly birthed star.

The hole remains - cold - ever increasing in size due to time passing and it’s own cooling state.
Green with envy of those entropic bodies getting warmer - getting hot
Time passes with this pen on paper and my hands are warm again.