What’s your excuse?

WANT
I started making a list of things that were bothering me that I wanted to change and quickly realized that it was pointless. What I needed was a list of things that I WANT so that I can identify ways to get them. I quickly began working on that, but it turned into introspection that was really personal. Instead of stopping in favor of a nap, I delved into it and it seems that my diverse ‘wants’ all seem to trickle into one main theme. It’s no surprise that it is love related - further evidence that we are truly a social species.

Such a paradox… isn’t it isn’t it?

I’ll Only Let You Down
Life would be beautiful if we only let it…
We battle other people because we perpetually battle ourselves and get sick of always losing and winning at the same time; how can you lose and win at the same time? If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, will I eventually battle myself into oblivion? I suppose that could be called ‘aging’.

The framework is wrong. The skeleton that is holding us up is more than disjointed - it's imaginary - it's fake! The more I try to wake up and shake off my dreams or nightmares, the more I feel like I am in one.

I was reading back through some of my old posts on this blog, and ran across this. I clicked on the link in it and re-read my old blog. Heh. I’m so cool! LOL Here is the entry I am referencing in case you don’t have a myspace account:

A Mirror
I’ve been waiting for you.

I’ve been waiting for you.

This has been my favorite song of theirs for a while now.

“Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ”

I don’t like dandruff flakes, sunburned skin flakes, corn flakes, or flake-fail-ass people.

Flake off.

I’m just sayin’.

Feelings are BORING! Kissing is AWESOME!

Sometimes I wish that I could take certain aspects of my personality and seriously beat them to death.

Take, for example, my propensity to remember every little detail of things that happen ~OR~ my inability to keep from melting when I see or experience something that is ‘awwwwe, cute.’

Someone once told me that I am a lot ’sweeter’ when I drink. Well, ’sweeter’ me is the me I’d murder if I could. Sweeter me is who opens me up for stupid crap that logical me doesn’t support. Logical me is LOGICAL. LOGICAL me looks at all the angles and says, ‘Hey, Sweeter Jeni. You’re stupid, you have horrible taste, make horrible choices, and the only thing you’re ever been successful in doing is making yourself a doormat and the end of slowly failing relationships that kill your soul a little more every time.’ Ha. I guess this is a good time to give up beer.

Sometimes life is weird. Sometimes you think you totally have your crap together, your outlook is all sewn up and watertight, and everything is fine. Then disaster strikes.

EFF that idea dude! I don’t want more maybes and catastrophes!

[Inner Monologue]
Dear Jeni:
Take your own awesome advice and remain cold and feeling free. Life is so much easier that way, and there is certainty in being alone that cannot exist otherwise. You’re deadinside, keep it that way. Yes, people might label your self-defense mechanisms eccentric or idiosyncratic, but it is an efficient and safe way to steer your own boat. You’re on a boat mother f&*ker, you’re on a boat! (yes, I even joke to myself in my inner monologue).

Focus on finals, and GTFO. There is no one who exists on this planet that has ever even visited the same ballpark that your expectations play in, so skip it. Go to bed, and when you get up in the morning, be over whatever is irritating you to no end within your own mind and emotions. Kill the emotions, move on with your day. Kill the emotions, move on with your day. Murder/castrate/set fire to/unceremoniously hack to bits your emotions and move the hell on with your day.

UGH. BARF. Sometimes I make myself ashamed of myself. HA! I think it is kind of funny that me, unarmored, is a cheesy romantic dorkface who gets herself into trouble around every corner. That’s why she doesn’t come out to play often; the messes she makes are a bit much for me to clean up time and again.

You are browsing someecards because they have some wicked funny, hilarious stuff and you run across this and think it is quaint, cute, and honest:

Maybe it’s a mixture of the old ass couple in the picture with such happy faces together with the apathetic tone of the message that made me think, ‘I wish I had someone to send that to.” HAHHAAHAHHAHAH Man, I love someecards. Confession: I’m mildly maladjusted. /shrug

“You’ve been referencing your appearance all day long; you are stunningly beautiful. Sometimes I feel awkward because I can’t get my eyes off of you. I love you so much Jeni, I’m trying to be a better friend to you. I’m still clouded with regret of all the bad I did to you and the idea of losing you as a lover, but if I could take a few people with me to the end of this road, you are one of the few prime people I choose to refine as a lifelong goal.”
[New topic]
“Yeah it took me a long time to find Anonymous and I’m certain that our relationship will never have to end. Just become familiar with sensing fate and let it carry you around and when you find someone that was carried to the same location at the same time, approach your king with nothing but yourself.’

Alright, so sometimes I want to spray him with a water bottle like a bad kitten, but sometimes in moments of lucidity I really appreciate the way he communicates his thoughts, ideas and feelings. Maybe it’s because I am usually totally incapable of doing that without keeping people at arms length, outside my bubble. Every so often someone finds a crack in my armor and wriggles through, and I can’t help but appreciate those people for being able to sense the warmth and love that I feel for pretty much everyone, but that gets clouded by the possibility of negative emotions or unrequited positivity.

I like people by default, unless they are complete douchebags. Even when they are douchebags sometimes I am able to get over it lol! Yeah, I tease and mock people, but it isn’t out of negativity or meanness. When I really don’t like something or someone, it’s embarrassingly obvious because I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I’ve been told about my jet black stare more than once, and I also get a look on my face like I might vomit out of disgust. As long as what I just described doesn’t occur, I’m probably A-OK. I’m admittedly high strung about a lot of things, but not about socialization. I am chill about socializing and I love nothing more than to hang out whenever, wherever. I’m the opposite of pretentious.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Let’s DANCE!

(also, the ‘king’ reference is awesome
“your kingdom arose from a fort of sheets
your crown was hailed by the king in me”)

“We have a small dog. His name is Yappie. We often go to the movies and at nights you read books aloud to me because I’m borderline illiterate. Our days are spent on a beach in the South of France and we often go bike riding together - in fact, I just got you that cute adult/kid bike for two so that you can ride with your daughter on the back. You’re currently pregnant with, what we hope is my baby, however there is a chance it could be Chinese (long story, we’ve worked through that). We both like hand-holding, gentle donkey punches, and dress up.”

Life is just perception of your own reality. Right? lol

Have you ever seen something so wonderful or breathtaking that the thought of even trying to capture it on camera was borderline insulting? Something that spoke to the very depths of your being so articulately that the only homage you could pay it was your most earnest, full-bodied appreciation?

I could explain the chills down my arms or the warmth of the summer air. You could relate to the wind in my hair from the sunroof and windows being open. We might all be able to understand the therapeutic benefit and enjoyment of singing along with music that is dear to you.

Sometimes a series of events culminates with something gloriously beautiful. I’ve never felt life smile back at me so obviously as it did tonight. I was happy, content and balanced. I was sending out every positive vibe I could muster… and the glorious universe smiled down on me with the most perfect scenery I could have imagined for the drive home. I love the night sky. I love the universe for everything we know and for all of the things about it that have yet to be discovered. I relate to its vastness, to the ‘void’ vacuum of space that separates each body of warmth or cold, life or death, entity and nonentity. I respect and am humbled to be a part of the universe, for no other reason than it is mine and I am its.

We live in perfection - this second, moment, hour, day. We are a part and apart simultaneously. We are integral and unnecessary, and it is all majestic.

This I could not capture on a camera; not on mine or anyone else’s… but it happened. I was there.

Me
haha
man, based on the page views from my anti conservative blog I am seriously starting to think I should just webcast random anti right wing stuff
‘Rush Limbaugh is fat and has a small penis’
9:12pm

Nick
I think it’s pretty safe to say you’ll be corresponding on the daily show within two years at the outside.
9:12pm

Me
‘You can tell, because he tries in vain to compensate for it every day of his life’
9:13pm

Nick
By being loud and in your face all the time?
9:13pm

Me
well, it’s better than saying ‘you can tell because this one time in ecuador a giant spider ate my friend’s pet rat!’
9:14pm

Nick
Ahhhhh!!!! you’re speaking republican!!!
You tricked me!!!
9:14pm

Me
haha!
9:15pm

Wait, what? You think someone would hire me because I have basic grammar skills and a sarcastic communication style, that when coupled with politically themed topics ends up mildly funny?

Dang, I should have been pimpin’ this ho years ago! Somebody better have my money! Or their own money that they want to give to me! Ohhhh life…
*thought bubble*
Future me apathetically teaching aerobics to hundreds of fat republican right-wingers that have erased history 1984 style… and I’m OLD!

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…
*end thought bubble*

I think I need to start working on a time machine.

[also, I have no real knowledge about Rush Limbaugh's BMI or penis size - thank goodness!]

I think it is funny that:

• if someone doesn’t eat a lot of meat they are automatically labeled a tree-hugging-hippy-left-winger.
• if someone eats organic food, they are automatically labeled a new-age-hippy.
• if someone doesn’t agree with the conservative fringe right wingers, they are automatically labeled a left-wing-liberal.
• if someone ‘believes’ (lol - as if it is a faith based decision!) in global warming or cares about their effect on the environment, they are a crazy-tree-hugging-left-wing-liberal-hippy.

I guess I always just considered myself ‘informed‘ until now. I care about my health. Nutrition is important to me, especially as a mother. I care about the negative impact I have or might have on my environment, whether it be social or natural. I try to positively impact those I come in contact with. I’m not religious. I not only tolerate (I hate this. ‘Tolerate’ is such a nasty word here) other cultures, but I respect them and love learning more about them, so much so that I embrace as much philosophy/practice from other cultures as I see fit to apply to my own life (insofar as adopting them might bring a positive influence to my life or those around me).

Look, I don’t care what anyone thinks about me. You can ‘judge’ me all day long and I’m just going to laugh in your face. I want to be the best me I can be. I know that by keeping myself healthy, mentally, physically, and intellectually, I am doing myself a favor along with everyone around me.

There is nothing ‘informed’ about making the decision to fill your body with garbage that advertisers call ‘food’. There is nothing ‘informed‘ about trashing the hell out of our environment and then wondering WHY bad things happen (climate change, oil spill, pesticide poisonings, lead poisonings, etc). There is nothing ‘informed’ about listening to editorialized media and adopting your stance on government/politics based on someone else spewing their opinion of events.

I’m not a socialist. I’m not an anarchist. I’m not a left-winger. I’m not a LABEL.

I care about education. I attribute the vast majority of the epic life failure of people not being ‘informed’ to substandard education. Somewhere something has gone wrong. People have lost the ability to think for themselves, and to take the initiative to FIND THINGS OUT on their own. I think health care is important and that everyone should have access to it (hello - even ancient ROME had prioritized healthcare and education). I’m not saying I know the right way to make these things happen or work, but I sure and hell know that sitting around doing NOTHING isn’t going to get us closer to anything positive!

I’ve always considered myself MODERATE. Not just concerning politics, but in all aspects of life. My dad always repeated the phrase ‘Moderation is the key to everything.’ I think this is accurate for most things. This isn’t me being a hippy. This isn’t me taking away guns, killing babies (gasp!), preventing you from going to heaven, or hugging trees. This is me saying that if people lack the education to know the difference between MODERATION and EXTREMISM, the status quo is what we get. It’s sad to know that a whole world of information is at our finger tips, but so many people can’t see the forest for the trees. Where we should see unbiased honest research completed, we see uninformed, barely literate people posting grossly unfounded opinions as fact and propagating failure left and right.

The world wide web has essentially made the world smaller. To me, this should provide an environment conducive to the propagation of new ideas, the sharing of old ideas, sharing and exploring knowledge/truth, and ultimately building a universally human bond with each other that leads to greater knowledge and understanding for everyone.

Why does it seem like our current reality is the antithesis of anything positive technology could have provided human culture? I mean, look at World of Warcraft. Millions of people all of the world in hundreds of countries play the same damn game and love it. We are not so god damn different from each other! Stop playing stupid games, everyone! Leave your cliquey, judgmental alter ego back in junior high where it belongs and come to the party with the big kids, please.

There is nothing ‘trendy’ about not giving a damn. It’s never been fashionable or looked up to. To quote myself (lol - who else?) “If you put as much effort into those items as your do into self deluded whining, your apathetic unhappiness could turn into raging dissent and stir some fight inside of you. BLEH. It all reminds me of a bunch of the saddest little amoebas EVER CREATED, just morphing around with sad fucking looks on their sad faceless amoeba face-places.”

There is nothing ‘intellectual’ about being a racist conservative douchebag who’s political views mirror those of rich old white fat cats, even though, in practice, the policies those views support are usually detrimental to said douchebag. It doesn’t make you look informed, classy, rich, or smart to quote pundit garbage. It makes you look like a stupid lazy douchebag, so get a new hobby.

Get an opinion based in reality. Everyone thinks that they cannot influence change. Well, the majority have been ‘influencing’ failure long enough. Something’s gotta give.

Scott
quick question…
10:32pm

Me
Good plan

Look: Don’t send me a friend add on any social networking site so that you can argue with me about politics. I don’t care enough about strangers OR their opinions to waste my time on it.

I HAVE THIS BLOG. This is where I post my ideas, opinions, etc. If you even are WONDERING what I *might* think about something, you might want to check here first before annoying me to no end about it. I put the time in here once, I’m not going to waste more time re-writing it or re-explaining it.

Here is a recent study I like.

Here is my opinion on conservative news.

Here is an example of music that I ENJOY.

This was about dating, and now it’s about social networking with people who have agendas!

This is what I think about renewables!

If you want to comment on the blog, go ahead! Grammar and spell check it, and cite your sources.

OH GOODIE. Was that STRAIGHTFORWARD enough?!?!?

Also, I’d like to point out that when I mentioned political ‘media’, I referenced actual NEWS outlets. You equated it with Rush friggin’ Limbaugh. I could see if I had said ‘Bill Maher’ or ‘John Stewart’, but NO. Somehow in the conservative mind, Rush Limbaugh is considered an equivalent source next to CNN?
HA!
Laughable! I don’t think RUSH would even make a claim so ludicrously off base!

Additionally, when someone isn’t a right-wing extremist fringe conservative it does NOT automatically mean that they are a left-wing fringe extremist liberal! I don’t want to hear ANYONE try and tell me that I need to lean more toward the FRINGE EXTREMIST end of the spectrum. There is nothing more insulting, ludicrous, and completely against everything this country was FOUNDED ON than fringe extremism going left OR right! Leave your bull-shit Anti-American Anti-Constitution Anti-Anything good left in the country and politics OUT OF MY SIGHT, because you’re just making yourself look even MORE vapid (if it was even POSSIBLE).

Nick:
Oh, just had this mental image of a team jeni baby’s first alphabet book.
A is for awesome.

10:20pm
Me
it’s all A
lol

10:20pm
Nick
That is all

exactly!

10:20pm
Me
YES!
OMG!

10:21pm
Nick
Eeerrrieee

10:21pm
Me
I’m BLOGGING THIS!

10:21pm
Nick
I consider it an honor

• Generate and upload sitemap for site.
• Point Google Webmaster Tools to said sitemap.
• Do algebra homework/study for exam Thursday.
• Fix the images on CafePress designs so that they look better on the shirts.
• Finish the stickers on CafePress.
• Make some stuff to post on the Etsy store I just remembered I made in 2008. COOL!
• Buy two king size pillows to replace the pillows that the washer ATE yesterday. WTF?
• Help mom organize her pantry (I said I’d help, and I meant it!)
• Label new files for growing important document filing cabinet.
• Schedule a tooth cleaning. I’m due I think
• Finish my take home nutrition midterm (due tomorrow).
• Bleach hair/Fix trashy ass roots.
• Berate the poor folks in the Verizon store for my phone not charging… AGAIN. (At some point can’t they just give me a new, different phone? I mean, I’ve had this one for more than 2 years now…)
• Wipe leather/other protectant on the inside of car surfaces (it’s HOT outside, finally!)
• Fold my laundry that is slowly taking over the couch and put it away.
• Sort the laundry that is taking  has taken over the love seat and put it away.
• Pack Avs stuff for Oceanside.
• Turn in my family health history + four other assignments for my other nutrition class (Due tomorrow).
• Die slowly inside after looking at this list.

(previously dispensed advice to a person; I’m too lazy to adjust it to be universal because I know you are intelligent and will get the gist)

You know, I can’t really support or deny anyone dating anyone because odds are not good for it reflecting back in a positive manner (the majority of dating/relationships are doomed to fail. Math - the international language says so). I can, however, suggest embracing your inner dead inside in order to realize that there is more to be said for being single than people tend to let on. It’s freeing in every way, and there isn’t a better way to be in control of your future. Plus, you already have kids so it’s not like you have some emotional closeness that needs to be filled by someone that you see often. You are a prime candidate for being totally happy just being you and having a very large group of friends, and maybe a friend with benefits here or there (if need be).

Those who think we *need* to be in relationships in order to be happy and/or fulfilled are retarded. At the very worst, it’s better to be unhappy and alone than unhappy in a relationship *shudders*. Who said that? Oh, Marilyn Monroe. Please ignore the fact that it is believed she later committed suicide - no one *really* knows what happened…

I think my comment just jumped the shark.

I ran across this blog when I was being a facebook creeper on the Better Oats page (sorry for buying all the Chai Spiced Raw Oats at Harmon’s - I didn’t want to have to worry about getting more if I ran out. Yes, they are *that* good. Ok, I’m not sorry at ALL! HAHA! I have all the oats! Maybe next time you should be quicker than me). I looked through her blog a bit because I thought to myself, “Gee, another person geeky enough to blog about oats and use the word AWESOME a lot? Probably worth looking into…”

To make a long story short, I approve! Go Katie! Read her blog, because hey, it’s awesome Don’t get me wrong, if she were closer I’d challenge her to a kung fu fight or something (and we’d video it and probably post it on both of our blogs), but as it stands, I am extending an official Team Jeni stamp of Internet Awesomeness on Katie and her blog. I *am* the Ambassador of Awesome, after all.