What’s your excuse?

One day, at some point, I dropped my random and numerous neuroses and called it quits on the business of being neurotic. I’m sure people have noticed. Now, I have been trying to do the same thing while I am on the rock wall, and I am running into a bit of difficulty.

You see, there is the climbing portion of a problem. This portion involves me being focused and concentrating on where I need to move next. I don’t have issues with this portion. The next portion is getting near the top and having my mind acknowledge the fact for me. You see, before you get onto the wall you give it a good look and sort of plan out your route in your head. Bing-bing-bing ahhh the end. Usually this is a joyous moment of achievement and success. Sometimes, however, and typically on problems that I am attempting when I am already tired, my anxiety about falling kicks in. See, I took a bit of a spill at Lake Powell in 2002 and broke some bones (cranium, lower back, etc), got life flighted and stayed at the hospital for a handful of days. In other words, I have fallen before and it wasn’t pretty.

I have worked to overcome any illogical fears that creep up on me when I am climbing. Why? Lots of reasons. I love the challenges rock climbing presents, both physically and mentally. I love the workout - there is no workout in this LIFE that gives me more reason to push myself (if you give up, you start at the bottom again!). I think the act of climbing is graceful and beautiful - like a vertical ballet. Watching an experienced climber on a wall is like watching a work of art in motion. I honestly can’t come up with a single reason to NOT like climbing. This is what motivates me to try and ‘let go’ of my irrational fears.

Letting go is freeing on every level. It takes you to the place inside of yourself where you know you can do anything if you set your mind to it. It’s the place where no one can get you down or rain on your parade. It’s a quiet place in your thoughts where you are your own superhero. It’s the place where you set yourself free. That’s where I try and go when I get anxious. It has helped me progress (at least I think it has) my climbing. I like it.

(ps when I started writing this I was pretty skippy still from climbing, but as time went on and I got progressively more tired I kind of just started to ramble. Whatever. Hopefully I’ll have pics of me climbing in the sierras around tahoe next week! Yay!)

There are two contributors that have their own spaces on this blog. These are individuals who are close to my heart for one reason or another, and who I felt needed or deserved an outlet to express themselves with. Hence, their own positions on IEBIDI. I hope you have been reading their posts, ramblings, and thoughts. I have, and I am happy that they are on ‘the team.’ Here is an excerpt from one of zombiedad’s posts in The Man Corner that I felt particularly compelling:

“Because if I should be fortunate enough to find someone one day who loves me as I love them and who feels the same, it will be worth the waiting and the pain. It will be worth it even if it never happens in this life, to know that if it had it would have been something better than this.

This is the truth I know in whatever is the soul of me. This is what lies beyond all the dead inside ;D”

I like it when my friends impress or inspire me. Here is a link to The Man Corner!

Someone once said that we don’t learn much of anything by succeeding; we learn by making mistakes. I believe this is absolutely true. I also believe that this is why it is easy for me to look at other people and know how they feel, why they fail, why they make decisions based out in the north forty of what could be considered logic, and why it can seem like I am insulting people when I’m really not at all. My failures have allowed me to appreciate my life, and everyone in it, more than I ever would have otherwise.

Something most people don’t understand about me: I am a very accepting and loving person. I love *most* people just the way they are and accept them as such. I love the people whom I consider to be close to me for their successes and their failures, and also because they accept me. They help me when I need it, and I trust them to give guidance. I love them for being a part of my life, regardless of how big or small a role they play. I value them immensely. Friendships are very give and take. I hope that I give enough to take as much as I do. I don’t like to leave people with empty friendship accounts, but I know I have been guilty of it in the past (I think we all have been at one point or another). We all try to make ourselves better. We all endeavor to recognize our own weaknesses, and work to grow and build character.

I truly am one of the luckiest people alive, and always have been whether I have been able to see it at the time or not. The only time I have run short on loving friends is when I have shut them out. I don’t know how many people could honestly say that, but I hope it would not be many. I also hope that the reason I have such remarkable people in my life is because I have something to offer in return. If any of you ever need anything from me, you know I will always give freely; you are all welcome regardless of the hour or day because you are always with me in my heart, anyway! <3

It is rare that we ever run into another individual on the planet that is completely retarded in many of the same ways we are ourselves. I have run into such a person, and actually this person is my level of retarded PLUS A LOT of extra retarded. I have had the benefit of watching this person make really deliberately stupid choices time and again in the short time that I have been in contact. I have learned a few things about myself, as well as been able to be witness to a few things that no one should ever do to anyone else. I’m not going to name this person publicly, but I am going to rant about a few choice quirks this person has (that I am not the only person to have noticed). In other words, they are glaringly obvious and it’s kind of tragic.

The behavior that this person exhibits in person consists of bragging about their successful professional endeavors, bragging about past personal successes, or bragging about possessions. On the rare occasion this person is able to get past their own ego, they share some failures or things that might embarrass them, but never anything beyond a very shallow depth of personal inhibition. The things shared are always of the sort that make you relate to that person (perhaps things that you have experienced yourself, for example), and this lends to the formation of the opinion that this person is deliberately deceptive and manipulative, indeed. “Yet we hesitate to surrender all of our insecurities - only the ones we are most comfortable relinquishing” ~Chiodos.

This person is incredibly emotionally needy, but doesn’t recognize it in themselves. They self medicate by socially over extending themselves, which pushes the proverbial serotonin button via attention received. The individual is incredibly smart on many levels, but seems to be completely unaware of their own emotional needs and thereby runs life like a drug addict looking for their next fix. The short endorphine rush caused by received attention is followed by an inevitable feeling of emptiness (and sometimes guilt!), as would be expected by having serial superficial encounters. Because the intellect of this person is considerable, there is a nagging awareness of something missing or lack of fulfillment. In order to alleviate the stress this causes, the individual over-compensates in their professional life. This overzealous attitude only complicates the underlying problem by causing the person to be spread to thin on every other level. The individual may also use this tactic as a way to remove themselves from the downward spiral of superficiality they have bred into their own lives (we reap what we sow!); to escape, so to speak. Running away from problems is almost worse than causing them in the first place. Additionally, escapism shouldn’t be incorporated as an everyday a mode of living. It’s just incredibly unhealthy.

Furthermore, due to the lack of understanding the individual has concerning their own personal needs, they gravitate toward the familiar, even if that is not necessarily the healthiest choice. In fact, selfishness rules choices made due to emotional neediness, and the individual is incapable of using foresight to make decisions. This is typical behavior for serial monogamists. The afflicted individual pours themselves into a situation that they believe will quell their nagging loneliness only to find that the same types of problems arise in each situation. This is damaging not only to the afflicted individual, but also the people whom make up that person’s support system, and, most importantly, the people whom they enter relationships with. The afflicted individual is ruled by emotions, and as such, no amount of logic will sway them from their course. The logic in their brains still works, but the emotions overrule it (so to speak) and almost cause the person to believe in near mystical ideas: “This was meant to be!” “This could not be coincidental.” “What are the odds?” These are all mystical ideas, because there is not an ounce of logic to any of them. If apply logic to any of the mentioned statements, it is easy to see that they can be pulled apart quite easily. The individual is ruled by mystical ideas that things will be different, ‘that’ won’t happen to them, or that the situation they are in (that by all logic says is statistically, morally, by use of common sense) that is doomed to fail miserably on all levels won’t for some reason. Side note: All of the relationships we enter are doomed to fail unless it is that ONE relationship that doesn’t fail. Probably not the best idea to enter into a relationship where you are setting it up for failure from the beginning (ie., cheating on spouses, helping cause an existing relationship to end, etc.).

Now, I’m not here to tear people down. I think the reason why I am so drawn to the downright outrageously ridiculous behavior of this person is because I share some of the same odd, totally self defeating, fail ass traits that this person exhibits. That’s the reason I started this blog, right? It’s incredibly interesting to witness someone making heinous ass choices in real time! It’s almost like watching a spectator sport! I know how the person is making their game plan and I know how it is usually played, but because this person is quirky (to put it mildly) beyond even my typically north forty outlook on life, it is incredibly interesting for me! It’s like watching a football game played by lacrosse and hockey playing, giant, razor-covered crack fiends! Holy crap! What madness will happen next?

Ultimately, I think it is a good lesson for anyone to look at and learn what not to do (very much like contemplating yesterday for myself… or last year - it’s like hindsight, but in real time!). It’s funny, because I always have this caregiving instict that activates because I just want to save the world and everyone in it. There is a reason that the people I hook up end up getting married and having fabulous relationships. I am really good at seeing what other people need - just terrible at seeing what I, myself, need. Hence, dead inside. To get back on track, though: Whoops, good thing I learned to not be a fixer/charity giver/mother from my last relationship. I mean, you can’t even have a meaningful OR superficial friendship with this person because they are so all over the map. I think that this person would make an interesting and fun friend, but the person is such a flake that I can’t even chill out with them. This is the general consensus from any of the mutual friends we have as well. “I make plans to break plans and I’ve been planning something big…” This is the only person I have ever met that deliberately brings up new plans (unsolicited!), makes them, and then unceremoniously flakes out at least 75% of the time. It’s tragic because it’s so obvious and so many people are caring and are willing to help (many that don’t even include myself), but the individual shuts people out in favor of… well… that’s a mystery. In favor of the hypothetical? In favor of self sabotage? There is no use in hypothesizing here

“And you don’t want to be here in the future - so you say the present’s just a pleasant interruption to the past…” ~Something Corporate

Like they say in Meet the Robinsons (one of my favorite movies of Avalon’s) - “KEEP MOVING FORWARD!”

Also, I hope no one’s life becomes a boring pop song where everyone’s singing along. <3

Sometimes the people who should be closest to you are the most out of touch… and do the most damage to your own progression. I am a product of my socially retarded environment, apparently. Actually, I think I’m more of a square peg in a round hole as far as that goes.

MEH.

HAHA More like to be sparkly and shake it on the dance floor. I’m excited for tomorrow! WOOT!

WANT
I started making a list of things that were bothering me that I wanted to change and quickly realized that it was pointless. What I needed was a list of things that I WANT so that I can identify ways to get them. I quickly began working on that, but it turned into introspection that was really personal. Instead of stopping in favor of a nap, I delved into it and it seems that my diverse ‘wants’ all seem to trickle into one main theme. It’s no surprise that it is love related - further evidence that we are truly a social species.

Such a paradox… isn’t it isn’t it?

I’ll Only Let You Down
Life would be beautiful if we only let it…
We battle other people because we perpetually battle ourselves and get sick of always losing and winning at the same time; how can you lose and win at the same time? If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, will I eventually battle myself into oblivion? I suppose that could be called ‘aging’.

The framework is wrong. The skeleton that is holding us up is more than disjointed - it's imaginary - it's fake! The more I try to wake up and shake off my dreams or nightmares, the more I feel like I am in one.

I was reading back through some of my old posts on this blog, and ran across this. I clicked on the link in it and re-read my old blog. Heh. I’m so cool! LOL Here is the entry I am referencing in case you don’t have a myspace account:

A Mirror
I’ve been waiting for you.

I’ve been waiting for you.

This has been my favorite song of theirs for a while now.

“Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ”

I don’t like dandruff flakes, sunburned skin flakes, corn flakes, or flake-fail-ass people.

Flake off.

I’m just sayin’.

Feelings are BORING! Kissing is AWESOME!

Sometimes I wish that I could take certain aspects of my personality and seriously beat them to death.

Take, for example, my propensity to remember every little detail of things that happen ~OR~ my inability to keep from melting when I see or experience something that is ‘awwwwe, cute.’

Someone once told me that I am a lot ’sweeter’ when I drink. Well, ’sweeter’ me is the me I’d murder if I could. Sweeter me is who opens me up for stupid crap that logical me doesn’t support. Logical me is LOGICAL. LOGICAL me looks at all the angles and says, ‘Hey, Sweeter Jeni. You’re stupid, you have horrible taste, make horrible choices, and the only thing you’re ever been successful in doing is making yourself a doormat and the end of slowly failing relationships that kill your soul a little more every time.’ Ha. I guess this is a good time to give up beer.

Sometimes life is weird. Sometimes you think you totally have your crap together, your outlook is all sewn up and watertight, and everything is fine. Then disaster strikes.

EFF that idea dude! I don’t want more maybes and catastrophes!

[Inner Monologue]
Dear Jeni:
Take your own awesome advice and remain cold and feeling free. Life is so much easier that way, and there is certainty in being alone that cannot exist otherwise. You’re deadinside, keep it that way. Yes, people might label your self-defense mechanisms eccentric or idiosyncratic, but it is an efficient and safe way to steer your own boat. You’re on a boat mother f&*ker, you’re on a boat! (yes, I even joke to myself in my inner monologue).

Focus on finals, and GTFO. There is no one who exists on this planet that has ever even visited the same ballpark that your expectations play in, so skip it. Go to bed, and when you get up in the morning, be over whatever is irritating you to no end within your own mind and emotions. Kill the emotions, move on with your day. Kill the emotions, move on with your day. Murder/castrate/set fire to/unceremoniously hack to bits your emotions and move the hell on with your day.

UGH. BARF. Sometimes I make myself ashamed of myself. HA! I think it is kind of funny that me, unarmored, is a cheesy romantic dorkface who gets herself into trouble around every corner. That’s why she doesn’t come out to play often; the messes she makes are a bit much for me to clean up time and again.

You are browsing someecards because they have some wicked funny, hilarious stuff and you run across this and think it is quaint, cute, and honest:

Maybe it’s a mixture of the old ass couple in the picture with such happy faces together with the apathetic tone of the message that made me think, ‘I wish I had someone to send that to.” HAHHAAHAHHAHAH Man, I love someecards. Confession: I’m mildly maladjusted. /shrug

“You’ve been referencing your appearance all day long; you are stunningly beautiful. Sometimes I feel awkward because I can’t get my eyes off of you. I love you so much Jeni, I’m trying to be a better friend to you. I’m still clouded with regret of all the bad I did to you and the idea of losing you as a lover, but if I could take a few people with me to the end of this road, you are one of the few prime people I choose to refine as a lifelong goal.”
[New topic]
“Yeah it took me a long time to find Anonymous and I’m certain that our relationship will never have to end. Just become familiar with sensing fate and let it carry you around and when you find someone that was carried to the same location at the same time, approach your king with nothing but yourself.’

Alright, so sometimes I want to spray him with a water bottle like a bad kitten, but sometimes in moments of lucidity I really appreciate the way he communicates his thoughts, ideas and feelings. Maybe it’s because I am usually totally incapable of doing that without keeping people at arms length, outside my bubble. Every so often someone finds a crack in my armor and wriggles through, and I can’t help but appreciate those people for being able to sense the warmth and love that I feel for pretty much everyone, but that gets clouded by the possibility of negative emotions or unrequited positivity.

I like people by default, unless they are complete douchebags. Even when they are douchebags sometimes I am able to get over it lol! Yeah, I tease and mock people, but it isn’t out of negativity or meanness. When I really don’t like something or someone, it’s embarrassingly obvious because I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I’ve been told about my jet black stare more than once, and I also get a look on my face like I might vomit out of disgust. As long as what I just described doesn’t occur, I’m probably A-OK. I’m admittedly high strung about a lot of things, but not about socialization. I am chill about socializing and I love nothing more than to hang out whenever, wherever. I’m the opposite of pretentious.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Let’s DANCE!

(also, the ‘king’ reference is awesome
“your kingdom arose from a fort of sheets
your crown was hailed by the king in me”)

“We have a small dog. His name is Yappie. We often go to the movies and at nights you read books aloud to me because I’m borderline illiterate. Our days are spent on a beach in the South of France and we often go bike riding together - in fact, I just got you that cute adult/kid bike for two so that you can ride with your daughter on the back. You’re currently pregnant with, what we hope is my baby, however there is a chance it could be Chinese (long story, we’ve worked through that). We both like hand-holding, gentle donkey punches, and dress up.”

Life is just perception of your own reality. Right? lol

Have you ever seen something so wonderful or breathtaking that the thought of even trying to capture it on camera was borderline insulting? Something that spoke to the very depths of your being so articulately that the only homage you could pay it was your most earnest, full-bodied appreciation?

I could explain the chills down my arms or the warmth of the summer air. You could relate to the wind in my hair from the sunroof and windows being open. We might all be able to understand the therapeutic benefit and enjoyment of singing along with music that is dear to you.

Sometimes a series of events culminates with something gloriously beautiful. I’ve never felt life smile back at me so obviously as it did tonight. I was happy, content and balanced. I was sending out every positive vibe I could muster… and the glorious universe smiled down on me with the most perfect scenery I could have imagined for the drive home. I love the night sky. I love the universe for everything we know and for all of the things about it that have yet to be discovered. I relate to its vastness, to the ‘void’ vacuum of space that separates each body of warmth or cold, life or death, entity and nonentity. I respect and am humbled to be a part of the universe, for no other reason than it is mine and I am its.

We live in perfection - this second, moment, hour, day. We are a part and apart simultaneously. We are integral and unnecessary, and it is all majestic.

This I could not capture on a camera; not on mine or anyone else’s… but it happened. I was there.

Me
haha
man, based on the page views from my anti conservative blog I am seriously starting to think I should just webcast random anti right wing stuff
‘Rush Limbaugh is fat and has a small penis’
9:12pm

Nick
I think it’s pretty safe to say you’ll be corresponding on the daily show within two years at the outside.
9:12pm

Me
‘You can tell, because he tries in vain to compensate for it every day of his life’
9:13pm

Nick
By being loud and in your face all the time?
9:13pm

Me
well, it’s better than saying ‘you can tell because this one time in ecuador a giant spider ate my friend’s pet rat!’
9:14pm

Nick
Ahhhhh!!!! you’re speaking republican!!!
You tricked me!!!
9:14pm

Me
haha!
9:15pm

Wait, what? You think someone would hire me because I have basic grammar skills and a sarcastic communication style, that when coupled with politically themed topics ends up mildly funny?

Dang, I should have been pimpin’ this ho years ago! Somebody better have my money! Or their own money that they want to give to me! Ohhhh life…
*thought bubble*
Future me apathetically teaching aerobics to hundreds of fat republican right-wingers that have erased history 1984 style… and I’m OLD!

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…
*end thought bubble*

I think I need to start working on a time machine.

[also, I have no real knowledge about Rush Limbaugh's BMI or penis size - thank goodness!]

I think it is funny that:

• if someone doesn’t eat a lot of meat they are automatically labeled a tree-hugging-hippy-left-winger.
• if someone eats organic food, they are automatically labeled a new-age-hippy.
• if someone doesn’t agree with the conservative fringe right wingers, they are automatically labeled a left-wing-liberal.
• if someone ‘believes’ (lol - as if it is a faith based decision!) in global warming or cares about their effect on the environment, they are a crazy-tree-hugging-left-wing-liberal-hippy.

I guess I always just considered myself ‘informed‘ until now. I care about my health. Nutrition is important to me, especially as a mother. I care about the negative impact I have or might have on my environment, whether it be social or natural. I try to positively impact those I come in contact with. I’m not religious. I not only tolerate (I hate this. ‘Tolerate’ is such a nasty word here) other cultures, but I respect them and love learning more about them, so much so that I embrace as much philosophy/practice from other cultures as I see fit to apply to my own life (insofar as adopting them might bring a positive influence to my life or those around me).

Look, I don’t care what anyone thinks about me. You can ‘judge’ me all day long and I’m just going to laugh in your face. I want to be the best me I can be. I know that by keeping myself healthy, mentally, physically, and intellectually, I am doing myself a favor along with everyone around me.

There is nothing ‘informed’ about making the decision to fill your body with garbage that advertisers call ‘food’. There is nothing ‘informed‘ about trashing the hell out of our environment and then wondering WHY bad things happen (climate change, oil spill, pesticide poisonings, lead poisonings, etc). There is nothing ‘informed’ about listening to editorialized media and adopting your stance on government/politics based on someone else spewing their opinion of events.

I’m not a socialist. I’m not an anarchist. I’m not a left-winger. I’m not a LABEL.

I care about education. I attribute the vast majority of the epic life failure of people not being ‘informed’ to substandard education. Somewhere something has gone wrong. People have lost the ability to think for themselves, and to take the initiative to FIND THINGS OUT on their own. I think health care is important and that everyone should have access to it (hello - even ancient ROME had prioritized healthcare and education). I’m not saying I know the right way to make these things happen or work, but I sure and hell know that sitting around doing NOTHING isn’t going to get us closer to anything positive!

I’ve always considered myself MODERATE. Not just concerning politics, but in all aspects of life. My dad always repeated the phrase ‘Moderation is the key to everything.’ I think this is accurate for most things. This isn’t me being a hippy. This isn’t me taking away guns, killing babies (gasp!), preventing you from going to heaven, or hugging trees. This is me saying that if people lack the education to know the difference between MODERATION and EXTREMISM, the status quo is what we get. It’s sad to know that a whole world of information is at our finger tips, but so many people can’t see the forest for the trees. Where we should see unbiased honest research completed, we see uninformed, barely literate people posting grossly unfounded opinions as fact and propagating failure left and right.

The world wide web has essentially made the world smaller. To me, this should provide an environment conducive to the propagation of new ideas, the sharing of old ideas, sharing and exploring knowledge/truth, and ultimately building a universally human bond with each other that leads to greater knowledge and understanding for everyone.

Why does it seem like our current reality is the antithesis of anything positive technology could have provided human culture? I mean, look at World of Warcraft. Millions of people all of the world in hundreds of countries play the same damn game and love it. We are not so god damn different from each other! Stop playing stupid games, everyone! Leave your cliquey, judgmental alter ego back in junior high where it belongs and come to the party with the big kids, please.

There is nothing ‘trendy’ about not giving a damn. It’s never been fashionable or looked up to. To quote myself (lol - who else?) “If you put as much effort into those items as your do into self deluded whining, your apathetic unhappiness could turn into raging dissent and stir some fight inside of you. BLEH. It all reminds me of a bunch of the saddest little amoebas EVER CREATED, just morphing around with sad fucking looks on their sad faceless amoeba face-places.”

There is nothing ‘intellectual’ about being a racist conservative douchebag who’s political views mirror those of rich old white fat cats, even though, in practice, the policies those views support are usually detrimental to said douchebag. It doesn’t make you look informed, classy, rich, or smart to quote pundit garbage. It makes you look like a stupid lazy douchebag, so get a new hobby.

Get an opinion based in reality. Everyone thinks that they cannot influence change. Well, the majority have been ‘influencing’ failure long enough. Something’s gotta give.