ten·ta·tive [ten-tuh-tiv] Show IPA
–adjective
2. unsure; uncertain; not definite or positive; hesitant: a tentative smile on his face.
With that being said, I just wanted to post what ideas I have come to have so far in life about the making of ‘plans’ and if I am way off base I would like for feedback to correct my outlook.
When I make plans, I typically say something including the day(s), time(s), and reason for said plans. If the plans are tentative, the statements are usually precluded or followed by a ‘We’ll talk more about it X day or time” or a “call me and we will figure it out”. Sometimes it’s not the plans that are tentative, but details in the plans (where to meet, etc). On the whole though, if I say, “Hey this day(s) this time(s) are you down?” or something to the effect, and the response I hear is, “Yes” or “Yeah for sure” or some other obvious statement in agreement, I then count in my brain as those ‘plans’ being made. I think most people follow me up to this point.
This next part is the part where I might be wrong or impolite or something.
In my opinion, once parties have agreed on ‘plans’ it is each individual’s responsibility to remember said plans. If one individual or the other opts to communicate a reminder closer to the date of said plans (example: ‘Hey are we still xyz tomorrow?), it is at each person’s sole discretion. It is not something required by etiquette unless the plans were made several weeks or months in advance. Ultimately, if plans are made, it is the responsibility of both parties to follow through regardless of courtesy reminders (hence the word ‘courtesy’).
The idea that ‘plans’ aren’t official somehow unless a courtesy reminder was extended the day before is ludicrous, because most people can make plans a week or less ahead and not need a reminder. HA! Maybe I just don’t get out much lately, so when I do make plans outside of my house they tend to stick in my mind. Anyway, it is not unrealistic or unacceptable to expect people to REMEMBER commitments that they themselves agree to, in writing or verbally.
Everyone has forgotten plans, and this happens. The best way to approach a situation like this is PROBABLY to say, “Oh gee man I’m sorry I totally forgot!” because this is life and IT HAPPENS. Hopefully there is still time to make good on the plans at the point and no harm done! Even if there isn’t time, you can always make the plans for a different day and hey, you’re still friends.
A good thing to avoid doing is blaming the person who you made the plans with for not reminding you about the plans a day before, citing poor communication skills on the other person’s part due to lack of said reminder. If a commitment was made to do something with or for someone, and that person calls you a few hours before said commitment is due in order to iron out details, that is NOT the time to rant, insult, or otherwise attack them. You made the commitment and at this point it is your responsibility to follow through. If you didn’t understand the plans you agreed to, it is not the fault of the planner. If you didn’t want to do whatever, maybe you should have thought about it before you sent the impulse from your brain to your mouth that said, “Oh for sure!” or, “Yes, I’ll help” because those little phrases committed you. Those phrases said, “Hey, we’re on the same page here,” to the planner.
If something about the plans made was not satisfactory in your mind after committing to the plan, it is your responsibility to contact the person and iron it out. For example, if you make a commitment to do something for someone on days x,y,and z in the evening, but you aren’t sure of details, such as where you are meeting or at what time exactly in the afternoon you will meet, you should either contact them to quell your curiosity or wait for them to contact you the day of, because you already committed to the plans regardless of how ambiguous you think they were! If something wasn’t clear, the planner isn’t going to somehow divine through the matter of the universe that although you committed to their plans, you don’t understand what you committed to. You agreed, but you don’t understand? This is the part where you put away your tin foil hat and say, “I agreed to do this, but I’m not exactly sure what it all entails so I am going to get clarification!”
Simplified Example: Someone asks you to do X next week. You agree. They contact you next week a couple of hours before X. Iron out details and go forth with plans. No, they didn’t call you the day before to confirm. Maybe they were busy or just thought you were reliable and had a decent enough memory to recall the plans. They did, however, contact you with ample time to iron out details of the ambiguous plans you had previously agreed upon. This should be a perfectly acceptable scenario from which either party could rescind if something unforeseeable came up, make changes to, or just go ahead and follow through.
My point here is that day-prior courtesy reminders should be considered nice and uber courteous, but, especially between people that know each other well, should never be considered a requirement. The plans are valid when you make them, unless you make tentative plans, which is a totally different ballgame, as evidenced by the above definition. In my humble opinion, it’s called a ‘courtesy’ reminder for a reason. It’s not a ‘required’ reminder, an ‘integral’ reminder, ‘essential’, ‘compulsory’, ‘mandatory’, ‘vital’, or ‘obligatory’ reminder. It’s a ‘courtesy’ reminder. Anything else involved should be chalked up to individual responsibility and follow through.
Please, if you have anything to contribute about the topic of ‘courtesy reminders’ or the lack of, feel free to comment or email me.
Here is an excerpt from one of zombiedad’s posts in The Man Corner that I felt particularly compelling:
