TESTIMONIALS
- November 18th, 2008
- By deadinside
Have you had a fantastic experience with your Jeni? Well feel free to leave a comment here and let us know! Here are some real life testimonials from people who aren’t actors being paid to promote this site! I promise!
I just want to say, today is the first time I’ve read your blog and I love it. I was trying to look up personality disorders where other people seem dead inside and lack that basic instinct to care about others in those common sense ways that most of us do. So it brought me to an NPD post in your blog, which then brought me to the postings you have about an x-boyfriend.
I can identify with some of the feelings you are experiencing, even though I don’t have children. I’ve dated a variety of men who treated me very differently. Some for instance, being very attentive, taking me to dinner frequently, and listening to everything I had to say. While I thought that’s what I wanted I lost interest. But the one I’m currently struggling with, I love so much, and yet he doesn’t do any of those things. He’s not interested in what I’m doing unless it is something he was already interested in. I could have a daily blog and he would never read it. I have to ask him to do things that most people would do by instinct in my time of need, because he doesn’t take the initiative and offer his support. It reminds me of your blog, which I could sum up by saying, he does nice things to show he cares, but then he doesn’t follow through when it counts the most.
It seems he has a spark of hope inside that I’m in love with, but it gets crushed by another part of him. Another part of him that believes no matter what he puts into something, it’s not going to benefit. As if he feels he can never supply what I need, so he tries not to care too much, and indirectly pushes me away. As if maybe, he can only think of the web I’m going to get him tangled in. lol
The pain is that I care deeply for him and I want the proof that he cares deeply about me. I want the proof that he can stand by me in my time and need and when I’m falling apart. I know he’s not actually leaving when I need him, but he creates emotional distance that I can feel. He gets uncomfortable and distant when it really counts.
People are who they are and there is little control we have over it. It hurts when we love someone so much and we want the same in return. We want it in a way we can be sure it’s real. But many people just don’t know how to act, and they are paralyzed by their lack of hope in life and their fears. It could also be that person’s way of showing they care, which is scary if that’s the best they can do. And then the worst dread of all, maybe they really don’t care and who the hell knows why they are sticking around.
Being with someone like your x-boyfriend is a huge risk when you have children involved too. Whether he really cares or not, he may never be able to meet your needs properly. But I know, no matter what other people say, you saw the good in him somewhere. You saw something that attracted you, and you should not beat yourself up over trying to see the best in him. There’s a reason why you were drawn to each other, and it might have been a short term need that was already met. It’s hard to let go of the frustration, when you know someone cares, but they cannot take the next step. They can’t let go and dive in with all they’ve got when that’s what you are ready to do. The fact is, we can’t make anyone ready for something they aren’t ready for. Possibly something they will never allow themselves to be ready for.
@Teresa
First, thank you so much for reading and commenting! Writing is therapeutic for me by itself, which is why I do it. It is doubly rewarding to have readers share their experiences/perceptions concerning my writing.
Second, I feel like you summed up my feelings about my relationship as well as if you could read my mind. I am grateful to you for sharing your experiences; it is always less painful to have knowledge that someone else has felt or is feeling the same types of feelings you are having.
I really feel like NPD is one of the saddest disorders to exist, not only for the sufferer but for their loved ones. When you said that it seemed there was a ’spark’ inside him that you were in love with - I know exactly what you mean. It’s like a glimmer of purity in an otherwise foggy, distant, cold experience. The glimmer somehow is powerful enough to tell you that it’s all worth it or that it will all end up wonderful in the end. It’s like a teaser.
I don’t regret the time I spent in that relationship. I feel like I developed a capacity for patience and forgiveness that I never had before. I also learned, in retrospect, that too much patience and forgiveness given can just turn you into a doormat. I now have a much greater appreciation for little things that I otherwise would overlook in a partner, and also have a better frame of knowledge concerning things I will put up with going forward and things that I will simply not tolerate. I know that he learned some positive things that I hope he can apply to his own life going forward as well, though I really don’t care to be a part of it or have any knowledge concerning it.
I really am happy to have moved on. It really didn’t take more than a few days to get through a very short grief cycle because I am much better off. Logically and emotionally I know it, and I am happy for my friends, loved ones, readers, and for the chance to go toward a future that I will be much happier in.
Again, thanks for reading! I wish you luck with your relationship and I hope, for your sake, that it works out for the best. You can’t go on forever waiting to have your ‘emotional bank account’ filled; it’s not good for you or anyone else to leave it empty. Like Terry Goodkind says, “Your life is yours and yours alone. Rise up and live it.”
<3