I feel like I am looking into a snow globe watching my own life shake with snow all over. It looks pretty but its cold as fuck and there is no place to walk indoors. I can’t do anything but watch it all crash down as everything gets shaken upside down.

I am broke, in debt with a baby, and living with my parents. No job, no car. As much as I’d like to be, not in school. I have no savings account anymore because I wiped through it all trying to provide for my little girl. I just brought my account to a negative by like six hundred dollars. All I can think is how the fuck could I do this to her? I know it isn’t a permanent situation. I refuse to let that happen. But, even still, I feel like shit.

I have no one I can turn to for help. I feel like crap just having to ask. But, I can’t just let the interest build my debt any further. Being at a zero is much better than negative. At least if I did that I could find something to hold me over. I am already milking the system a little bit. I might as well milk it a little bit more. Wic is awesome, but retarded all at the same time. They are supposed to help me save money. But they refuse to use the brand of formula that she needs to use even though the other kinds make her sick. So, they cut me off at a limited amount that I can receive per month.

My parents let me live here for ‘free’. Free never means what it is supposed to -there is always a price to pay. They have helped me out a lot! As much as they can. But, I think now we are all at a point where none of us have any money to spread. My dad is “building” a business. A business in which he has been trying at for a few years now. He goes into an office and has meetings… doing his “due diligence,” but also has a lot of spare time on his hands to spend keeping the church where it needs to be financially. On weekends and sometimes other days he goes to a friends house and helps them with yard work.. He talks about job offers that he gets all the time. You would think he would take a job. Even just as a side job. I mean, the reality is my family is in debt (not entirely by their own fault, either). This is basically another instance in which the bank screwed them over on their mortgage. (P.s. DO NOT USE CITY FINANCIAL). There is a chance we will lose the house with in the next few months. I mean, who knows. He talks to the banks and lawyers, but keeps all information to himself (does even share with his wife!). It may just be me who thinks this, but, I have a right to know if I am going to be with out a place to live. Unless for whatever reason they think I am just going to uproot and move where ever they do. I like Utah. It may be a love hate thing, but, I have made a home here. I am comfortable with my life and where it is headed. Moving routes anywhere but here will screw my life over.

I can’t afford a car - not even a used one. Not when I am in a negative! Even if I weren’t, my insurance is too jacked up for me to afford the payments. I have to wait until the end of this summer for the first accident to come off of my record to lower insurance rates.

Without a car, how can I get to work? Some people say ‘oh, just take trax or bike”. But that doesn’t work because I have a baby. I have to get her to and from daycare somehow, and that just doesn’t work. There is no daddy to help out.. FUCK that idea all together. He is another story all in his own fucked up failure at life way.

So, where do I stand now? I’ll tell you. Freaked out that I may not have a place to go if something happens to my parents ‘living situation’. Not having transportation freaks me out.. because that puts life on hold all in itself. Money is scary. I don’t know when, but I do know that I won’t be this broke forever and that I can get myself and Arianna out of this God awful rut. I also know I will need help along the way. I just don’t know how or what kind yet - especially when people are flaky failures. I don’t trust people. Nothing personal - Just life.